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[09 Aug 2004|10:48pm]
i seriously think that this is the greatest thing i have ever seen.

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[29 Jun 2004|09:08pm]
4 addicts| take a hit

[14 Jun 2004|07:51pm]
what I love best is when Im asleep in my bed,
and the Angel of Music sings songs in my head
Eye of gold . . . Thigh of blue . . . True is false . . .
Drink it in, drink it up, till youve drowned in the light . . .
in the sound . . .

Everybody take a wild guess as where that is from. You know you love it secretly.
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[08 Jun 2004|03:42pm]
ha. me and schris went shopping today. I got a nice skirt. its kinda short. i feel like you can see my ass. but you can't (thank god) I applied a couple more places, and hopefully (*crosses fingers*) one of them will hire me. I got 4 new cds from record exchange. biohazard, soulfly, 311, and nin. it really was awesome. I only have gotten to listen to the nin one. its what i thought it was going to be. Me and chris tried out the slip and slide. it really was lots of fun, and the great part is... I didn't fall down once! I *really* hope i get a job. i need something to do besides waiting for gh to come on all the time. oh yeah. dont forget slepp. i have been sleeping like 14 hours a day. im never not tired. *shrug* oh well, im off to take a nap...damn.
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[04 Jun 2004|05:05am]
hey sarah, its 5:05 and your alseep(boo).

we had fun tonight, and we were not even drunk.

(the mexican one)
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[27 May 2004|12:44pm]
Today I realized something about myself and I tried to explain it to you and I think I’m not smart enough to make any sense out of it for you.
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[17 May 2004|09:27am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

~~~~~~~~~~you're skilled in the art of manipulation. You're very strong, talented, powerful, and witty. You don't seem to have any real sense of morality, and you only let your kindness show around a select handful of people.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like that alot. Its true. Had to ask what morality was though. *bangs head* could have figured that one out by myself. I dont know about that whole talkented thing. I just put myself in situations where I seem like I am better than other people. i.e. all of my classes this semester. And if you know me Im wising up about certain things. I really liked that result. The first one I actually agree with I think.

OH! bout the weekend. Friday was the movie and drama drama drama as usual. Fights and Me and manda didnt even sit with twins and phil. And PHIL! dont even get me started. Saturday was adams party. First party that I have gone to sober and actually had a decent time. Sunday was the camp thing with manda. It wasn't what I was exspecting. It was a nice time. But I still couldn't fight my want to be at home. I wasn't really anything there. I think I would have been bored, but I dont let myself be that, or anything else that I dont want to be anymore. Its all about the state of mind. It was nice though. I just hate when people try to encourage me. If I dont want to do something, why cant they just leave me alone? instead they make me feel bad and even more unsuccessful than I already am. I dont like climbing things, I hate heights. PLUS I have no balance on the ground. Let alone in the air. Just leave it be. And something super nice. Angela bought me May which I have been trying to find forev. I said I would give her money. She said no. Only cuz its me. So she WILL get the money. But its still super awesome. I hope me and Amanda still go today after school though. I love things like that. And everyone knows it. Angie made me listen to a song this morning. Song at the end of fight club. It just reminded me of the summer. I really do miss the summer. Those were the best times I have ever had. But that made me relize something. Its not all the stuff I do that makes me happy. Its all the memories that come along with them. Like I cant hear green day without thinking of angela. And I cant smell smoke without picturing angela and matt on my patio smoking with each other and me feeling happy. Same way no matter what happens angela will always be my best friend, no matter what. Cuz shes not the best friend I have. Shes my best friend. theres a difference. I miss summer so much. I cant wait. Some good concerts and hopefully some parties. eight more days until the new slipknot cd. I just want it super bad. My obsessiveness was finally coming down some. but we are right back where we started. Im going to have a birthday party. But im going to get this right. Im inviting people i hate too. Cuz this is going to sound really bad. Thats more presents. And thats awesome. And thats the whole reason people throw parties. Honestly folks, why else would you? I dont really hate anyone. Cept mel. bitch is going down. I should probally go do something I AM at school after all.

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[13 May 2004|09:06pm]
Today was such a blah day. All my teachers are getting hard. Even Mrs. Murphy because no one will shut thier gd mouth. three chapters since tuesday. thats one everyday. thats nuts. our test is tomorrow. Plus my grandma is getting worse. I never really liked her. But she shouldnt die. Cuz that would bother my dad. And what bothers my dad bothers everyone. Not like hes here anyway. Adam was being such an asshole today. When he usually does it, its joking. But he was just being a plain ass hole. He thinks his friends from his dads house are better than the ones in twinsburg. What a ass. Melodie got her tummy reading. And we found out that the baby is going to be a girl. Im still not sure about all this. Plus everyone at school is uber creepy. I have things I want to say, and no one to say them to. Oh well. I soppose I should get use to it. OH! Amanda got a e-mail back from Bobby Kennedy. I thought that was pretty awesome. And we have that thing on sunnday which should be tons of fun. I dunno why. But it will be. Tomorrow I start over. Well its really more of Saturday morning. But still *yep!* I am going to be so happy. I need to distance myself from certain people. And work on getting closer to others. But that is being saved more for the end of Jr year. You will all see. I am going to be pretty by the time I graduate. And I think I figured out what I want to do when Im older. Im not really telling people this now cuz they would laugh but i want to be a...well. I shouldny go into that. I just has to do with one of my obsessions. This one I KNOW will not change. Im off to do...well Its sad really...
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[12 May 2004|09:20pm]
[ mood | awake ]

how many more days til summer? I just want this school year to be over. It just seems to drag on. Classes are getting so old. But I really like my classes. God I suck. I just wish I didnt have orchetra. Mr. Conn always ruins the day. Hes so bitter.Well that problem is solved for next year. I dont think I will mind my semesters next year but i have fst and spanish. really nervous. I cant keep doing bad in school. I know in my job my grades dont matter but I like succeeding. Which I never get to do. HA! that will change soon enough. Youll see. I WILL be good at something. I am glad its goin to be the weekend soon cuz I have something to do each day. So I wont be bored. Plus it will be better than last weekend. which I doubt it could get worse. I really dont mindmyself for the most part. I dont like me. but i dont hate me anymore either. I really have changed alot sinse last year. And I havent even notice but everything about me is different. I have different prioritys thats for sure. Plus I figured out why I was so unhappy. I based all my happiness on the people I know. So when they treated me bad, or didnt pay altimate attention to me, i was sad. But im not going to do that. I think I see the sunny side of things right now. But dont worry. That all will come crashing down soon enough. I noticed that people can get sadder and sadder until they die for being sad. But people dont get happier and happier until they die from being so happy. seems unfair to me.

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[10 May 2004|06:21pm]
I was going through my old sent messages from my emails, and wow, I have really changed. But I dont even notice the different. Im not nearly as obsessive as i use to be. Which really makes me happy cuz it means im getting somewhere and not failing like i usually am. ~content sigh~. I wonder if ill do the same thing with the journal entries here. But i dont think i will because i was obsessed with things that didnt have to do with me. but now i am with all the stuff in my life. i like that better. but then again i will see journal entries like these and relize that i havent changed. Im such a kid...I love it
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[10 May 2004|05:57pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

In english today we got back a\our raisin in the sun essay. I got a B. Booo. I always get bs in that class. I kinda upsets me cuz they are always good. But she grades so hard. I dont think I like her as much as I use to. She really does act better than everyone. And thats somehow annoying. I dunno. Maybe its just cuz I know more about her, and shes not what I hyped her up to be after about hearing so much about her. Oh well. Semester is omost over anyway. After school I walked with Amanda to her interview. The lady was super mean, and it was super hard ;) and she ended up getting the job which im super happy for her. but its odd cuz this really means that we are getting older. and thats scary to me. We also applied at Mavis Winkles. I think I could do that job pretty well. But I have never had a job b4 and most places wont hire you unless you have already have had a job. Which seems like a big cycle. But me and amanda ended up eating there. and it was a nice time. we are going on a diet together. I think having someone who understands the whole striving for perfection thing will make me succeed easier. Cuz its nice to have someone to talk to about that kinda stuff. Most people just dont seem to get it. But hopefully I will be able to reach my goal. But it wont be by the date I want. I dont think I will set dates. Cuz it makes it harder. But things will be geting easier soon. Which is a big uplift. Blah when I got home today melodie was trying to talk to me like nothing had ever happened. then she said what they did to the Iraq prisioners was not torture. Shes so stupid. I dont even know how t explain it. She pretends to be so smart. Lets recap. She been pregnate ATLEAST twice for shes 21. She works at six flags when she has a degree. she has no friends or boy friend. Simple solution. She should die. Im in way to good of a mood to bash. Its pretty out and right now and i have alot of hope. I guess Im a sucker.

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[09 May 2004|07:45pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

its been a hard ass week end. Lets sum it up. Melodie tried to kill Crystal. My dad started drinking again.My dad left my mom. I just got into a bitch fight with melodie. Going to kill the bitch if she ever touches me. Got into a fight with Will over the whole Melodie situation. Ended up hitting my mom. sucks majorly bad. One thing good about it. Melodie is leaving at the end of summer. And if she doesn't. I am. One up side. I went to the movies with adam. It was a really nice time. Movie was pretty bad. But it was fun cuz we could make fun of it. I like Adam cuz he makes me feel like myself. Thats something no other person has given me. Im starting to more than like him I think. im not in love with him. but i could see me being. Plus it doesnt bother me that hes not my bf. I just like being around him. hes a cool kid. OH! somehting cool. I now have my own computer. I had to put it in the guest room though cuz I dont have internet connection in my room. So thats cool. I miss my angela. I love her to death. I called her when I left home. And shes super good to me. I was crying and crap and she made me feel alot better. I feel bad that I put all this on her. She has her own problems. She doesnt need to hear about mine on top of hers. I feel super bad about what I did to adam. When it was amist of all the shit happening. Ang wasnt home. And I called adam. And told him all this shit. And i felt bad. Cuz he cared, and he didnt know how to help. I think I told him some stuff I have never told anyone. I got a headache like a bitch. RRRRR. The phone rang. and i picked up the phone. and All i hear is "sarah its not for you, hang up" well its not for you either bitch. Im going to kill her if hse pushes me any farther.

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[07 May 2004|07:41am]
MMMMM. at school now. I finished my science project early. My teacher called me a "star student". that made me super happy. granted she doesnt have the brightest people to teach. But I like the fact that I feel special even though Im not. People have it all wrong. Its not bad that I took regular science. I would rather do the things I like, and do well then be put into advance placement things like they wanted me to and be miserable. I like being smarter than people. Some of the people in here were suprised that I didnt copy and paste. And I used more than 1 site. Ok just changed my mind. the teacher made me do someone elses project. thats a little extreme. I should have just waited to turn it in. But it really is nice to help someone else for a change. I dont want to go to more classes. But I AM in a REALLY good mood. Its so amazin how things can change so fast. Sometimes you just dont care about some of the people that you use to.
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[07 May 2004|06:00am]
We were sitting at lunch today, and nothing was really happening, we were all talking...and I just looked over at Sarah and Adam...and it was odd. I mean, I'd always said I'd thought they'd be cute...and they would...but I'd never seen any indication it was going to happen. Nothing big, I just saw a glimmer of something like they have this private world in a shoebox that both of them get to see, but none of us even know about. *shrug* or maybe I'm just wierd.

thats from amandas live journal.mmmmmmm. defently made me super happy. We kinda do have our own world together. And I like that. I need something like that. Adam told me I was his best friend a couple a weeks ago. Well more so he told his mom and I HAPPENED to be listening. Even though hes not MY best friend, its nice to have someone to be dependent on ME for once, and not the other way around. I have some theorys about adam though. either 1) he was molested 2) hes secretly gay or 3)or maybe its possible that someone doesnt like me back and its hard for me to take, and just dont like it. I have been trying hard not to be so needy with my friends. Cuz the last person I want to end up like is Phil. But people are so use to me being around all the time, when I just walk away they our like "what we do?" I try not to complain to them as much. I think thats why I write so much here. Im so glad I have you Venessa. (j/k) Im just trying not to suck so bad. Speaking of sucking. I WAS going to get diet pills. Besides the fact that they really creep out angela, I was readng about it and it curves your appetite. i hardly eat as it is. so i dont think it would do much for me. Eh. I have school in like 20. I need to go eat breakfat. so maybe I dont *need* to. But I WANT to.
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[06 May 2004|08:17pm]
[ mood | content ]

Ah-ha! arch enemy quit the bill! Now I dont feel so bad about not having a ride. Who really cares about radiohead anyway? Today Chris was going to pick me up from school. But manda asked me to stay so I did. She had to tape the softball game for the school news. Anyway we went. It was really fun. Cuz i love things like that. I hate groups. "good-eye". But I got sun burned! I was only in the sun for like 2 hours. super white. But it doesnt even hurt. I told my brother about it. And he said "not a good idea, today was a high UV ray". That made me so mad! Just cuz we FEEL it more doesnt mean anything. Clouds change it, and what season it is. I hate how he thinks hes smart. But ughI got a bathing suit. So I dont look to good in em. But I tried them on to make sure they fit. Not to be happy with myself. It was very depressing. But I got socks. Rock my socks! I went to the bank with mel and all she ever does is bitch. blah. Im so tired about hearing about that baby. She thinks shes so smart. She got knocked up, knocked down (by a black dude!) she fucked her credit. And she not using her degree. With the baby, shes going to fuck up everything. Oh well. Tonight is the finale of friends and I couldnt be more excited. Im so glad that god damn show is finally over. This will be a good music night cuz no one will bother me cuz of it. I heard a new otpe song. and i liked it alot. i thought she was goign to change her vocals some. but no. But now they a re trying to be political. that bothers me cuz before she was all messed up cuz shhe was molested. now shes going to be strong and fighting the world? no. I was thinking about when I became so obsessed with my looks and such. And I remember the exact moment. Someone complimented me on my weight loss. And it made me happy at first. But then I thought about it and it was more of a bad thing. Cuz I didnt know there was anything wrong with me. I started exersizing because I wanted to be on this boys team. And weight loss happened. And the doctor put me on meds and told me that "this should help with your weight problem" I wasnt AWARE that I had a PROBLEM! I was happy then. I didnt worry about what I looked like. I wish I was kept in ignorence. I was at least happy. Oh well. I really hate when I look at myself. But thats such a simple solution. DONT LOOK! But really though. Whatever happens...happens. I really could care less right now. For some reason Im in a really good mood. Despite everything wrong right now

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[01 May 2004|04:19pm]
[ mood | jealous ]

We went and saw mean girls at like 4 yesterday. we were going to go see kill bill volume two. the twins mom even bought us the tickets. but phil ended being late. so brandi went and waited for him when adam went and got popcorn. but they wouldnt let phil in and there was all these problems. and then two managers were watching me and britt so we just ended up seeing mean girls. it wasnt THAT bad i soppose. but phil through a whole fit at brit cuz she didnt want to sit on the end he wouldnt just TRADE with her. It would have solved everything. But thats phil for ya. last night was catherines party. it was super boring though. but what ev i guess. I dunno. we were all kinda upset cuz she invited the guy she likes over, and they ended up going up stairs together. thats really rude. it wasnt that type of party. she had INVITATIONS for christ sake! I think I was sad. I dunno if it was noticable. It sucked cuz i ended up watching a movie bymyslf for most of the time. and finally i went into the basement. I think adam likes amanda. everyone says its not like that. but hes always touching her, and watching her. But him liking her doesnt bother me. I think they would be a cute couple. But I dont think manda likes him like that. really. Tonights her party. Im excited about this one. It should be much better. I know these people. And I like most of them, come to think of it im not sure who is coming. I am super done with boys. They suck. Me and my dad got into this huge fight today. It was about everything. I dunno. I got knocked down. I deserved it though. Dont get me wrong. I most defently did. I always said I fmy kid ever talked to me the way i talked to my parents, they would be on the ground. Hes going to kill himself or something. My grandmas in the hospital. And if she dies, he will loose him mind. chani effect. then my mom. oh well. good thing they are all insured. we need the money. I SOPPOSE I should go take a shower. blah. I only have a couple of hours. And with hair...you know my obsession with myself.

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[30 Apr 2004|09:40am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Im at school. And it sucks bad. we are learning about the jews...again. i dont care. they over teach the subject. if i have to do one more project about anne frank i will blow my brains out. last night was really dumb. we played alright i guess. as good as we get at least. i wish i was good at something. anything. with an importance. sucking at life does not count. seems like all my friends suck lately. Like they are better than me somehow. Im not sure what happened. Nothing realy has changed. Im just getting so tired of putting up with peoples shit. I try to be good to people. Granted i fuck up alot. but if im being at least a half way decent friend why shouldnt they be? I have a test in grenert today. i really dont want to take it. I always get the same thing on her test. C-. I hate it so much. No matter if I study, or try i still get the C-. Which sucks really bad. Sometimes I wonder why I try at all. I will start to fade myself away from people. maybe that way when im gone noone will notice. and im getting pretty damn close anyway. But I still have to go to the partys. it will be fun i guess. but i never have fun with anything really, so i dont know why i bother in the first place. I want to go home. lay in bed and never get up. I dont want to be around people. but that would only make things worse. I know me. im so tired of being the happy one. Im always the one who has up lift everyone else. but when im down, people dont care, and if they do, i dont want them to, cuz all i want is to be alone. I bitch way to much. no wonder people hate me. i need someone to need me as much as i need them. I need to feel something. I feel like such a stupid girl. The stupid girl who cuts her wrist over nothing but her "feelings". which i dont really have anyway. to scared to talk. to fucked up to try. to medicated to cry. I jst need one reason to live. At least something I love. I dont have nothing no more. Not even... were not even going to go there today. I need to get over myself.

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[29 Apr 2004|06:29pm]
So awesome. I lust got another lj so I can write my crap in it. Im so happy. Sorry no share with you guys.
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[29 Apr 2004|05:07pm]
[ mood | liberated ]

Im so tired of boys who act like girls. Its so super sexy for them to dress like them, and where make up. But ACT like a fucking MAN will you?

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[28 Apr 2004|08:56pm]
Ecm871: i use to like people
Slipknotocd: what changed?
Ecm871: now i got an ego
Slipknotocd: omg
Ecm871: i love you
Slipknotocd: when i was growing up society didnt treat me equal.
Slipknotocd: i love u too
Ecm871: i love you more
Slipknotocd: so whats wrong love?
Slipknotocd: u know thats not true
Ecm871: i'm gonna be a better friend
Ecm871: im gonna be a better person
Slipknotocd: your a wonderful friend
Slipknotocd: and person
Ecm871: naw
Slipknotocd: yeah
Ecm871: redding
Ecm871: ?
Slipknotocd: reddening
Ecm871: haersh
Ecm871: harsh
Slipknotocd: whats up with u kitten?
Ecm871: damnit
Slipknotocd: hum?
Slipknotocd: whats wrong?
Ecm871: nadda
Slipknotocd: sure. u seem down
Ecm871: im k
Slipknotocd: I can tell that over the internet. i think i have known u too long
Slipknotocd: sure? tell me anything
Ecm871: you just know me to well
Slipknotocd: thats not bad
Ecm871: not at all
Slipknotocd: we're part of each other
Ecm871: comes with the best friend thing
Slipknotocd: fo heezay for cheesay
Ecm871: fo sur
Ecm871: i fucked that up
Ecm871: didnt i
Slipknotocd: not at all
Ecm871: :-) i wish i could smile
Slipknotocd: SMIIILLLEE
Ecm871: naw
Slipknotocd: y cant u smile?
Ecm871: dunno
Slipknotocd: I make u smile dont I?
Ecm871: yeah
Slipknotocd: so thats good
Ecm871: its not about you, tho
Slipknotocd: what is it then?
Ecm871: who knows
Slipknotocd: tell me
Slipknotocd: u know i love u soooo much
Ecm871: its nothing
Slipknotocd: R u finally figuring out that your perfect and its really hard to deal with?
Ecm871: real hard
Slipknotocd: U r perfect

Thats my Angela. I love her to little itty bitty angela pieces. She is so pretty when she smiles. I wish she would do it more. Her REAL smile not the 'why are you taking my picture' smile she always give to the camra. Her 'Im beautiful, and love my best friend' smile. Thats my favorite smile. Weather she admitts it or not, or even relizes it. Shes beautiful. 1 time I was talking to adam about angela. Not bad. I dont talk bad about my angela. And he told me that she is like my gardian angel. And she IS my angel. Myangela. my angel. Everythings going to be perfect soon. Better, at least. For her birthday when i have my licence I am going to take her out to dinner, and we are going to pretend to be rich. Then we are going to shop at the giant book stores. And nice cloths stores and im goign to buy her a dress. a super pretty one that she loves. Then we will get super super drunk on vodka and go back out. Im not sure where yet. But it will be fun cuz were drunk. But more importantly because we are together. And there will be water.
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